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Fantasy/Reality Gap Statements
Identity: Who We Are
Consider these examples before doing the activity. Notice which feel familiar.
Helpful FRGs
- arrow_rightWho I am is who I think I am. Alan no longer works as a director, but still sees himself as a thoughtful problem-solver and mentor, acting accordingly with family and community projects.
- arrow_rightWho I am is who I want to be. Nina wanted to be known as a steady friend and grandparent; she now invests time in those roles and feels aligned with them.
- arrow_rightWho I want to be is who I can be. Ravi aspires to be a learner in retirement; he joins a local history group and finds he can keep up, enjoy it, and contribute.
Unhelpful FRGs
- arrow_rightWho I am is not who I think I am. Mo still calls himself “the boss,” yet feels lost without the team; the old label no longer fits how he behaves day to day.
- arrow_rightWho I am is not who I think I should be. Patricia believes she “should” be content by now, but feels unsettled and judges herself for it.
- arrow_rightWho I want to be is not who I can be. Lewis wants to be a full-time caregiver for his parents, but his own health limitations prevent him; he hasn’t adjusted his goal.
Behaviour: What We Do
Consider these examples before doing the activity. Notice which feel familiar.
Helpful FRGs
- arrow_rightWhat I am doing is what I think I am doing. Julia says she’s easing into volunteering two mornings a week, and that’s precisely what she does.
- arrow_rightWhat I am doing is what I want to be doing. Chris chooses three priorities — exercise, grandchildren, and woodwork — and his calendar reflects those choices.
- arrow_rightWhat I want to do is what I can do. Irene wants to swim three times a week; she checks pool times, arranges transport, and makes it happen.
Unhelpful FRGs
- arrow_rightWhat I am doing is not what I think I am doing. Gareth says he’s “busy getting fit,” but mostly scrolls on his phone and skips walks when it rains.
- arrow_rightWhat I am doing is not what I think I should be doing. Aisha believes she should network for portfolio work, yet she avoids emails and feels guilty.
- arrow_rightWhat I want to do is not what I can do. Tom plans a long hiking trip but hasn’t trained, arranged kit, or checked routes; the plan isn’t currently feasible.
Lifestyle: The Life We Lead
Consider these examples before doing the activity. Notice which feel familiar.
Helpful FRGs
- arrow_rightHow my life is, is how I think my life is. Eleanor describes her week as “quiet, purposeful, and social twice”; her diary shows exactly that.
- arrow_rightHow my life is, is how I want my life to be. Martin pictured slower mornings, time for reading, and one community role — and that’s how he lives.
- arrow_rightHow I want my life to be, is how my life can be. Samina checks finances, health needs, and local options and sees her modest, active lifestyle is realistic.
Unhelpful FRGs
- arrow_rightHow my life is, is not what I think my life is. Ben tells friends he’s “flat-out with projects,” yet most days feel empty and unstructured.
- arrow_rightHow my life is, is not how I think my life should be. Rosa imagined constant travel; caring responsibilities mean that it isn’t possible right now, and she resents the gap.
- arrow_rightHow I want my life to be, is not how my life can be. Hugh wants seaside living immediately, but current finances and family needs make it unworkable this year.
Activity
The FRG Spectrum — Acceptance to Non-Acceptance
With the case study examples in mind, take a moment to notice what you already understand about your own Fantasy–Reality Gaps. This activity helps you identify where your experiences fall along the acceptance spectrum. Many people are surprised by how much they already know once they start reflecting.
1
Identity FRG Statements
Notice which feel true, familiar, or relevant to your experience right now.
Helpful FRGs
- arrow_rightWho I am is who I think I am
- arrow_rightWho I am is who I want to be
- arrow_rightWho I want to be is who I can be
Unhelpful FRGs
- arrow_rightWho I am is not who I think I am
- arrow_rightWho I am is not who I think I should be
- arrow_rightWho I want to be is not who I can be
Behaviour FRG Statements
Notice which feel true, familiar, or relevant to your experience right now.
Helpful FRGs
- arrow_rightWhat I am doing is what I think I am doing
- arrow_rightWhat I am doing is what I want to be doing
- arrow_rightWhat I want to do is what I can do
Unhelpful FRGs
- arrow_rightWhat I am doing is not what I think I am doing
- arrow_rightWhat I am doing is not what I think I should be doing
- arrow_rightWhat I want to do is not what I can do
Lifestyle FRG Statements
Notice which feel true, familiar, or relevant to your experience right now.
Helpful FRGs
- arrow_rightHow my life is, is how I think my life is
- arrow_rightHow my life is, is how I want my life to be
- arrow_rightHow I want my life to be, is how my life can be
Unhelpful FRGs
- arrow_rightHow my life is, is not what I think my life is
- arrow_rightHow my life is, is not how I think my life should be
- arrow_rightHow I want my life to be, is not how my life can be
There’s no need to rush. Many people revisit their statements several times before arriving at a definitive list.
Step 2: Reflect and Record
Work through these prompts at your own pace. Make a best guess for the ones you’re unsure about.
01 Highlight or note any statements that feel true or familiar to your current experience.
02 Make a best guess for the ones you’re unsure about — instinct is often more accurate than we think.
03 Identify where you have more helpful or unhelpful FRGs overall.
04 Notice which category — identity, behaviour, or lifestyle — feels most relevant to you right now.
Look over your list of statements and notice what stands out — not to judge, but to understand where acceptance and non-acceptance may be influencing your experience.
What Did You Discover?
Use the questions below to guide your reflection. Take your time — there’s no right or wrong here.
Patterns & Balance Did you notice more helpful or unhelpful FRGs? Which area felt most balanced, and which felt most unsettled? What might the distribution tell you about where acceptance is strongest and where it’s most needed?
Gaps & Reality Checks Where do the biggest gaps appear between how you think things are and how they actually are? How much of your current frustration might come from non-acceptance rather than the situation itself?
Emotional Responses How did you feel while completing the statements — defensive, curious, calm, resistant, or relieved? Do certain areas evoke stronger reactions than others?
Movement on the Spectrum Where would you place yourself on the Acceptance Spectrum? What would a shift towards greater acceptance look like in practice, and what might help that shift happen?
Meaning & Direction What does your list say about your current relationship with retirement? How might acceptance of yourself, your situation, or your limits free up energy for what matters next?
A Final Question What could change if your helpful FRGs became your daily reference points?
Keep Your Reflections
The purpose isn’t to fix anything today — but to understand how acceptance shapes the way you think, act, and live.
You’ll return to these reflections later in this stage when you look at how to close unhelpful gaps and strengthen helpful ones.
The lack of acceptance doesn’t mean something is wrong with you — it means there’s a gap between fantasy and reality that hasn’t yet been bridged. That’s what this work is for.
Every statement you recognised — helpful or unhelpful — is information. Information is the beginning of change.
Remember: acceptance is never resignation. It is always the first stage of transformation.
Closing Reflection
You’re Already Further Along the Path
You may have found parts of this session challenging. Exploring acceptance regarding retirement often brings mixed feelings — relief at seeing things clearly, frustration at what can’t be changed, and uncertainty about what comes next.
All of these responses are valid, and they’re all signs of engagement, not failure. Each insight, however small, helps you move from conflict to understanding.
When you stop resisting what is, you create space for what can be. The task now is not to force change, but to allow it to begin.
Take a breath. Accept where you are.