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Why Unhelpful Fantasy/Reality Gaps Forms
Session Objectives
Session Objectives – Closing Unhelpful FRGs
By the end of this session, you will be able to:
Understand why FRGs become unhelpful and how they form
Identify the different types of unhelpful FRGs
Reflect on which types may be most active in your own experience of retirement
Recognise what maintains unhelpful FRGs, such as fear and resistance to change
Begin to close your unhelpful FRGs through finding acceptance and the benefits of letting go
Closing Unhelpful FRGs
Introduction
Closing
Unhelpful FRGs
Welcome to this video.
Welcome to this video. So far, you have become familiar with the FRG concept, which ones are present in your life, those connected to your identity, behaviour and lifestyle, and what this says about your relationship with acceptance. In this module, we consider specific types of unhelpful FRGs and the reasons they form.
When people first start learning about Fantasy–Reality Gaps, the most common reaction is surprise, not because they exist, but because they’re so easy to miss.
”When people first start learning about Fantasy–Reality Gaps, the most common reaction is surprise, not because they exist, but because they’re so easy to miss.”
categoryOrigin
Human
Reasons
Why Unhelpful Gaps Form
No one sets out to create unhelpful FRGs. They form for very human reasons, such as lack of awareness, fear, habit, or the simple busyness of life before and after retirement. Sometimes adversity strikes and provides the explanation. Sometimes a person holds onto old dreams or outdated versions of themselves because letting go feels too painful.
The result is that a fantasy version of identity, behaviour, or lifestyle is accepted as reality, and that’s when the problems begin. In this session, we’ll examine the various types of unhelpful FRGs and their formation. Understanding their type and origin is a crucial step in transforming them into helpful ones.
”Understanding their type and origin is a crucial step in transforming them into helpful ones.”
groupIdentity & transition
Confidence &
Life Stages
Confidence & Stages of Life Gaps
Let’s start with Confidence FRGs. These appear at both ends of the spectrum, too little or too much confidence. Someone lacking confidence may underestimate their worth, avoid opportunities, or downplay achievements, living a retirement of unrealised potential.
Someone who is overconfident may overestimate their abilities, ignore feedback, or attribute failure to others. Both end up disconnected from reality and both miss their true potential.
Then there are Stages of Life FRGs, which appear during major transitions. Retirement is a prime example. People assume they can carry their old identities, habits, and roles into a new stage unchanged. But without adaptability, the old patterns clash with new circumstances, and life begins to feel unfamiliar or unmanageable.
”People assume they can carry their old identities, habits, and roles into a new stage unchanged.”
timelineAssumptions
Expectations
& Others
Expectations and Imposed Gaps
General FRGs are built on broad assumptions about how life should go, the belief that things will naturally unfold in a desirable way. Specific FRGs, on the other hand, focus on precise expectations and defined outcomes that “must” happen. In both cases, when life takes a different course, the gap between fantasy and reality widens.
Some FRGs don’t even start with us. FRGs of Others form when our lives are shaped by someone else’s expectations, such as those of our parents, partners, peers, or society. We end up living a version of life that was never truly ours. The fantasy belongs to them, but the consequences belong to us.
”The fantasy belongs to them, but the consequences belong to us.”
assignment_indCoping mechanisms
Escape &
Plan A
Escape & Outdated Plans
Another common type is A Means of Escape FRG. These emerge when we experience loss, fear, or trauma. Instead of facing difficult realities, we build a fantasy life that feels safer. It’s a coping mechanism, understandable, but unsustainable.
Finally, Plan A Isn’t Working FRGs. These arise when someone clings to old strategies that once worked but no longer serve their purpose. Plan A becomes comforting but unrealistic. Letting go of it feels risky, so they stay trapped in a system that can no longer deliver the life they want.
”Letting go of it feels risky, so they stay trapped in a system that can no longer deliver the life they want.”
directions_runTransformation
Awareness &
Letting Go
Reclaiming Control Through Awareness
At the root of all unhelpful FRGs lies one thing: a lack of awareness. If you don’t know that an unhelpful fantasy gap exists, how can you change it?
Most people only recognise unhelpful FRGs when the symptoms become too uncomfortable to ignore. That’s where awareness and self-compassion come in. Once awareness grows, the next step is letting go, releasing the version of yourself, your work, or your life that no longer serves you. Letting go can feel destabilising, but it’s not permanent. As one client said, it’s like the moment in a bungee jump when you’re suspended in mid-air, unsettling, but temporary.
And when letting go happens, acceptance follows. As you have heard me say many times, now, acceptance is not resignation, but always the first stage of transformation. From there, energy returns, confidence builds, relationships strengthen, and wellbeing improves. This is how helpful FRGs take root and how transformation begins.
So as you move through this session, reflect on which types of unhelpful FRGs may have shaped your experience. Notice where awareness is growing, where resistance remains, and what it might mean to finally let go of an old fantasy.
”Acceptance is not resignation, but always the first stage of transformation.”
self_improvementClosing Unhelpful FRGs
Recognising the type is the first step to closing the gap.
Types of Unhelpful FRGs
Before you can close unhelpful FRGs, it helps to understand the different ways those gaps can appear. Unhelpful FRGs don’t develop overnight or through deliberate choice; instead, they form gradually, often for understandable reasons such as fear, habit, or a lack of awareness.
Unhelpful Fantasy–Reality Gaps develop for various reasons, including a lack of awareness, fear, habit, or resistance to change. Recognising the type of FRG you’re dealing with helps you understand why it formed, how it operates, and what acceptance requires.
”Each type reflects a distinct way we can misread, resist, or distort reality in retirement. By recognising the type that most resembles your own experience, you can begin to see where acceptance is needed and how helpful FRGs can start to take their place.”
category
Confidence FRGs
Why they form: Unrealistic self-perception, either too low or too high, distorts confidence and limits potential.
Two Forms
- arrow_rightUnderconfidence: You underestimate your worth and abilities, attribute success to luck, and avoid recognition or challenge.
- arrow_rightOverconfidence: You overestimate your worth and abilities, dismiss feedback, and blame others when things go wrong.
- arrow_rightFantasy: “I have no / unlimited potential.”
- arrow_rightReality: “I have strengths and limits, and both can support growth.”
Case Studies
- arrow_rightHelen left her senior HR role feeling confident she’d manage retirement easily. Within months, energy and purpose dropped. Coaching revealed an underconfidence FRG — she had underestimated her ability to build a new chapter. Once she began volunteering, her confidence and motivation returned.
- arrow_rightJames retired convinced his leadership skills would transfer effortlessly into voluntary work. His Overconfidence FRG led him to overestimate his influence and dismiss feedback. Once he recognised that new environments required new approaches, he adapted and began enjoying genuine collaboration.
Stages of Life & General FRGs
Two types rooted in assumptions about how life should unfold across transitions.
Stages of Life FRGs
- arrow_rightFormed during major transitions such as retirement, career change, relationship shifts, and relocation. Old identities, behaviours, and lifestyles are assumed to continue unchanged.
- arrow_rightFantasy: “My old life will merge seamlessly with my new one.” Reality: “Each stage requires redefinition and adjustment.”
- arrow_rightCaroline assumed her life would continue structured, social, and productive. When routines disappeared, she felt lost. By accepting that her new stage needed new rhythms, she rebuilt her sense of purpose.
General FRGs
- arrow_rightBroad assumptions that retired life will “naturally” lead to desirable outcomes — success, security, happiness — without deliberate effort. Often formed through family, culture, or social norms.
- arrow_rightFantasy: “Life will unfold as expected.” Reality: “Desired outcomes require awareness, flexibility, and action.”
- arrow_rightMark assumed retirement would naturally bring freedom and contentment, just as it had for his father. Once he realised satisfaction required conscious effort, he began creating structure and found enjoyment again.
Specific FRGs & FRGs of Others
Two types shaped by rigid expectations — whether our own or those imposed by others.
Specific FRGs
- arrow_rightExpectations fixed on precise retirement outcomes that “must” happen. Formed through unrealistic attachment to detailed plans or timelines; resistance to change or loss of control.
- arrow_rightFantasy: “Things must turn out this way.” Reality: “Life rarely follows a single, predictable plan.”
- arrow_rightJulia planned her retirement down to the last detail. When family health issues disrupted those plans, she became resentful and withdrawn. Flexibility and re-prioritisation helped her recover a sense of control.
FRGs of Others
- arrow_rightFRGs created or influenced by other people’s expectations — partners, family, peers, or society — shaping who you think you should be in retirement. Formed through seeking approval, avoiding disapproval, or inheriting others’ beliefs.
- arrow_rightFantasy: “My life should reflect others’ expectations.” Reality: “My identity and choices belong to me.”
- arrow_rightWilliam followed a career chosen by his parents until retirement, despite years of dissatisfaction. After therapy, he pursued horticulture — a lifelong interest — and found genuine fulfilment on his own terms.
Means of Escape & Plan A Isn’t Working FRGs
Two types rooted in avoidance — of pain, or of the need to change.
Means of Escape FRGs
- arrow_rightFantasy identities or lifestyles created to escape adversity, fear, trauma, or low self-esteem. Retirement reality feels too painful or overwhelming, so fantasy offers short-term comfort but long-term harm.
- arrow_rightFantasy: “This version of life will protect me from pain.” Reality: “Avoidance prevents healing and genuine progress.”
- arrow_rightIsabella filled her early retirement with constant travel and social events after a difficult divorce. Outwardly fine, she felt exhausted and detached. Slowing down and facing her feelings allowed her to reconnect with what she truly wanted.
Plan A Isn’t Working FRGs
- arrow_rightCreated when someone continues using strategies that once worked but no longer fit current retirement circumstances. Formed through emotional attachment to old successes, fear of starting again, or resistance to change.
- arrow_rightFantasy: “Plan A will deliver eventually.” Reality: “A new plan is needed to move forward.”
- arrow_rightRobert’s identity was built entirely around his job in public service. After retiring, he tried to replicate his old routines but felt increasingly empty. Once he accepted that Plan B required reinvention, he began finding satisfaction in new professional and community roles.
Illustration
Why Gaps
Form
Illustration from book
Each discovery strengthens your understanding of what’s holding you back and brings you one step closer to living your retirement with acceptance and impact.
What Did You Discover?
You’ve explored the different types of unhelpful FRGs and how they appear in retirement. Use these questions to reflect on what stands out for you and where acceptance may still be developing.
Patterns & Prevalence Which categories of FRGs show up most — Confidence, Stages of Life, General, Specific, FRGs of Others, Means of Escape, or Plan A Isn’t Working? Do they appear around identity, behaviours, or lifestyle? Are these patterns new to retirement, or familiar ones from earlier in your career?
Signs & Impact What are the key symptoms in your day-to-day retirement — loss of confidence, frustration, avoidance, boredom, overcommitment? How are they affecting your energy, motivation, relationships, or sense of purpose?
Why These FRGs Formed Which explanation feels most relevant — underestimating ability, assuming retirement would continue as before, living by others’ expectations, using activity to mask fear, or clinging to strategies that no longer fit? What personal beliefs or stories keep these FRGs in place?
Awareness & Letting Go What have you become more aware of about yourself in retirement? What would letting go look like — of identity, plans, or assumptions that no longer serve you? What might feel different if curiosity, rather than fear, guided the next stage?
From Fantasy to Reality Which unhelpful FRGs could you begin to close first? What realistic steps would start turning fantasy into reality — a new structure to your week, a revised goal, or a more flexible mindset?
Closing Question How might greater acceptance free up your energy and help you move from surviving to thriving in retirement?
Self-Assessment
Considering Everything You’ve Noticed, Where Do You Place Yourself Now?
You’ve explored the types of unhelpful FRGs, the symptoms they create, and the reasons they form. Use everything you’ve discovered to honestly locate yourself on the acceptance spectrum.
There are no right or wrong answers. Each discovery strengthens your understanding of what’s holding you back and brings you one step closer to living your retirement with acceptance and impact.
- check_circleAcceptance of retirement is not an issue for me
- helpAcceptance of retirement might be an issue for me
- warningAcceptance of retirement is an issue for me
Each discovery strengthens your understanding of what’s holding you back and brings you one step closer to living your retirement with acceptance and impact.
Closing Unhelpful FRGs
Acceptance becomes possible — and with it, everything else.
The Benefits of Letting Go and Finding Acceptance
Letting go can feel daunting. It means releasing old identities, routines, and beliefs that once worked but now keep you tied to unhelpful Fantasy–Reality Gaps (FRGs).
”Yet once you do, acceptance becomes possible — and with it, renewed energy, motivation, and a deeper connection to what matters most in retirement.”
lock_open
Benefits of Letting Go
Energy, Confidence & Relationships
Conflict with reality drains vitality, much like rowing a boat with numerous small leaks. Letting go stops the struggle and restores energy previously lost to resistance.
Energy — Caroline: When Caroline accepted that her career couldn’t define her forever, she stopped fighting the loss of her professional identity. The energy she regained went into researching her family history and travelling, bringing new meaning and joy.
Confidence & Motivation — Robert: Robert’s confidence collapsed when he retired, believing his worth was tied to his career in public service. Once he let go of that identity, he discovered new ways to contribute, joining local boards and rediscovering his value.
Relationships — Lizzie: Lizzie postponed retirement for years, fearing it would make her irrelevant. When she finally accepted the change, she found time for her husband, friends, and new hobbies — and their relationship flourished.
Freed from self-criticism or defensiveness, we can ask for and receive support, improving relationships and strengthening connection. With energy restored, problem-solving becomes easier and motivation builds as possibilities reappear.
That energy can then be redirected towards rebuilding purpose, health, and connection.
Benefits of Letting Go
Health, Strengths & Finding Acceptance
Acceptance improves both mental and physical health. Less inner conflict means better sleep, steadier emotions, and more energy to care for yourself.
Health & Well-being — Stuart: Stuart kept training as if he were still in his forties until injury forced a rethink. Letting go of unrealistic expectations allowed him to enjoy tennis again, with less pressure and fewer setbacks.
Strengths & Resources — William: After decades of living by others’ expectations, William finally recognised his own talents and retrained in horticulture. Acceptance uncovered resources that had been buried beneath self-doubt.
Sources of acceptance include: a coach or therapist, a self-help book or podcast, a meaningful conversation, adversity or challenge, time and maturity, an opportunity that reignites curiosity, or even boredom — as it invites reflection.
Acceptance doesn’t always arrive neatly. It often builds slowly, through insight, experience, and support. Once glimpsed, it’s hard to resist — because of the possibilities it creates.
Each source can prompt awareness — the essential first step towards closing unhelpful FRGs and living differently.
”Acceptance is never resignation, but always the first stage of transformation.”
Living with acceptance feels lighter. There’s less conflict and more cooperation between thought, behaviour, feeling and relating. You begin to trust yourself again, and life starts to move forward naturally.
Helpful FRGs create balance between what’s possible now and what’s possible next. They make it easier to recover from setbacks, enjoy relationships, and use your time and energy meaningfully.
You stop measuring retirement against what was lost and start building it around what’s still available — your skills, values, and potential.
Acceptance doesn’t erase difficulty, but it changes how you relate and respond to it. You become less reactive, more resilient, and better equipped to thrive and survive well in retirement.
Closing Reflection
You’ve Already Begun That Transformation
Letting go isn’t easy. It asks you to release parts of your old life before you can step into the new. As such, it can feel uncertain, even uncomfortable — but every moment of awareness is a sign that acceptance is already taking root.
If you’ve recognised unhelpful FRGs, you’re not failing — but turning things around. Awareness means you’ve stopped living in the fantasy and started reconnecting with reality, where progress happens.
So, give yourself time. Acceptance unfolds in stages: first awareness, then release, and finally renewal. Each step restores energy, purpose, and confidence in your ability to shape the retirement you want.
Keep noticing. Stay curious.
”Acceptance is never resignation, but always the first stage of transformation.”