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The Observing Self

Confirmation

self_improvement The Observing Self

The Observing Self

The part of you that leads your transformation.

The Observing Self is the part of you that stands slightly apart from experience, able to notice how you think, behave, feel and relate without being swept away by it. It's your authentic or core self that observes, reflects, and decides.

In retirement, this self becomes essential. It helps you separate from unhelpful identities and patterns to see clearly and make conscious choices about how you want to live this next stage.

Your Observing Self is the part of you that leads your transformation — the part that wants you to thrive and survive well in retired life.

self_improvement

Session Objectives

Session Objectives – The Observing Self

This session introduces the Observing Self, otherwise known as your core or authentic self — the part of you that oversees your inner and outer worlds, reflects clearly and strategically and makes decisions that support your progress toward and in retirement.

self_improvement Recognise the role of your Observing Self as the central, guiding presence in your life
people Understand how sub-selves influence your thoughts, behaviours, feelings and relationships
visibility Identify when your Observing Self is active and when your Negative Self has taken control
undo Practise stepping back into your Observing Self to regain perspective and control
trending_up Strengthen your confidence in leading your own transformation before, during, and after retirement

The Observing Self

The Observing Self and the Brain

For anyone interested in how psychology and neuroscience connect, modern research helps explain the Observing Self in action. When you pause and notice your thoughts, behaviours, feelings and relationships instead of reacting automatically, different areas of the brain come online.

neurology

The prefrontal cortex supports awareness, planning, and reflection — the neural base of your Observing Self.

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The limbic system, which manages emotion and threat detection, calms when observation replaces reactivity.

hub

Neural integration between these regions improves emotional regulation, decision-making, and perspective.

psychology

In retirement, this ability to observe rather than react keeps the mind-body system balanced, allowing you to respond positively and helpfully to change.

Modern science is now proving what ancient traditions understood intuitively: awareness itself heals. The capacity to distance ourselves from what life throws at us and to observe it has always been the key to a well-directed life.

people The Observing Self

Understanding Your Sub-Selves

Surrounding your Observing Self, who, remember, is the boss, the chief and the decision-maker, are your sub-selves, distinct parts of you that each play specific roles in your life.

The idea of sub-selves is also consistent with our understanding of the brain. Different situations activate different patterns of belief and motivation, for example, meaning different aspects of us can come to the foreground at different times. Sub-selves provide a useful way to recognise and work with these different patterns.

Each sub-self brings particular qualities, characteristics and ways of thinking, behaving, feeling and relating to people and situations. They include familiar characters such as the Explorer, the Achiever, the Helper, the Protector, the Carer and the Organiser.

When your Observing Self is in charge, it can draw on these different parts depending on what the situation requires. It brings a sub-self forward when needed, temporarily swapping places so that part can play its role. Once its job is done, your Observing Self returns to the central position and can call upon another sub-self as circumstances change.

The aim is for your Observing Self to remain in charge while making the best use of what each of your sub-selves offers.

The Observing Self

The Negative Self

When things go wrong

Sometimes, however, things don’t work out as described on the previous slide. Difficulties arise when a particular sub-self, what I call your Negative Self, takes the central position and doesn't readily give it up. We all have a Negative Self, and in the right circumstances it plays a valuable role, because being cautious, doubtful, critical, or alert to what could go wrong can protect us and help us make better decisions.

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Problems arise, though, when your Negative Self remains in charge after its role has been fulfilled and resists the Observing Self’s attempts to swap places and take over again.

The Impact

From this central position, your Negative Self can begin to exert too much influence over how you think, behave, feel and relate to the world and the people in it. In retirement, this can affect how you interpret change, make decisions and respond to opportunities and challenges.

Your task

Now, should your Negative Self take control of your retirement, perhaps in response to some of the difficulties and uncertainties that retired life can present, your task is to restore control to your Observing Self. Your Negative Self can then return to its intended position, on the periphery alongside your other sub-selves, available to be brought forward again when its particular qualities are genuinely needed.

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To get a visual representation of the Observing Self Concept, watch my animation on the next slide.)

self_improvement The Observing Self

You Are Not Your Negative Self

When your Negative Self remains in control, its influence can spread across different areas of your life. Thoughts, behaviours, emotions, relationship dynamics and physical symptoms can reinforce one another, making it increasingly difficult for your Observing Self to regain the central position.

However powerful these experiences may feel, they are not you. Your Observing Self can notice what your Negative Self is thinking, feeling and doing, and the fact that you can observe it means you can create some distance from its influence.

warning

Physical & Mental

arrow_rightPhysical symptoms such as headaches, stomach problems or physical tension
arrow_rightNegative or intrusive thoughts
arrow_rightDifficult emotional states such as stress, anxiety, low mood or anger
arrow_rightProblematic behaviours such as avoidance, procrastination or perfectionism

warning

Lifestyle & Social

arrow_rightUnhelpful ways of coping, including excessive drinking, drug use or overeating
arrow_rightRelationship difficulties such as irritability or conflict
arrow_rightSocial difficulties such as withdrawal or avoidance
arrow_rightProfessional difficulties such as work-related stress or Imposter Syndrome

The Observing Self

The greatest trick your Negative Self performs is convincing you that you and they are the same person. You are not.

No one sets out to live like this. Yet people can find themselves doing so at different stages of retirement because they have come to believe that this is simply how their life is. These experiences belong to your Negative Self, the part that took charge when life became difficult and has remained in the central position.

And there is evidence that your Negative Self is not all of you: you enrolled on this course and have continued working your way through it. Somewhere within you, your Observing Self recognised that something could be different and decided to do something about it. Your Negative Self may have considerable influence, but it does not have complete control.

This gives you a way to begin distinguishing between thoughts, behaviours, feelings, and ways of relating that are directed by your Observing Self and those heavily influenced by your Negative Self. Ask which are helping you move towards the retirement you want and which are getting in the way.

You are your Observing Self, the part of you capable of observing what is happening, deciding what needs to change and leading your retirement forward.

A note of caution: Negative Selves rarely appreciate being sent back to the edge of your life. Expect them to protest, to test boundaries, and to make things difficult for a while. The difference now is that you’ll recognise their tactics. Each time you think, behave, feel, or relate in ways that undermine your progress, you’ll see it for what it is: your Negative Self trying to lure you back into old patterns. Using what you’ve learned, you can anticipate and outwit them.

Case Study

Nicky

Case Study

The Observing Self

self_improvement

Reclaiming Control

When Nicky retired from a demanding career in education, she expected relief, not confusion. Instead, she found herself anxious, withdrawn, and convinced she was no longer relevant. Her Negative Self had taken charge, shaping her thoughts ('I’m no longer useful'), behaviours (avoiding social events), feelings (anxious and irritable), and relationships (withdrawing from friends and family).

Seeing this in black and white was a turning point. Using her Observing Self, she brought forward her Optimistic Self, her Compassionate Self, and her Determined Self, and began to get her retirement and confidence back on track by volunteering locally and mentoring newly qualified teachers.

Through commitment and courage, Nicky battled relentlessly with her Negative Self until, eventually, they relinquished control and gave it back to her Observing Self.

Tom – Freeing Himself from the Perfectionist

Case Study

Tom

Case Study

The Observing Self

self_improvement

Freeing Himself

When Tom retired from a successful career in finance, he, like Nicky, assumed the pressure would ease. Instead, it followed him home. His Negative Self had taken permanent residence, driving thoughts ('If I don’t do everything properly, I’m failing'), over-planning, micromanaging his wife and adult children, and snapping at those he cared about.

Seeing this mapped out gave Tom clarity. Using his Observing Self, he brought forward his Realistic Self ('Good enough is good enough'), his Compassionate Self, and his Friendly Self, thus restoring balance and warmth to his relationships.

Eventually, his Negative Self lost its grip and was no longer the critical voice running the show. Tom started to think clearly, act without pressure, feel calm, and relate to others with warmth and humour.

The Observing Self

Bringing your sub-selves to life.

self_improvement Activity

The Observing Self Activity

Now your turn. This activity will help you, as it did David, recognise your own sub-selves and, in particular, understand if or how your Negative Self may be influencing your ability to thrive in retirement.

Remembering the animation and the illustration on the very first slide of this module, you now know that your Observing Self is surrounded by sub-selves, including your Negative Self. Between them are the ‘mental’ bridges that allow each sub-self to swap places with your Observing Self when needed. At times, your Negative Self may remain in the central position longer than is helpful and become reluctant to cross back over.

Now that you have been introduced, or, more accurately, reintroduced to your sub-selves (they were always a part of you), the next step is to bring them to life by giving each one its own name, personality, characteristics and role. This includes your Negative Self, but this time, you will be telling them who they are, rather than allowing them to tell you who you are.

The first part of The Observing Self Activity is to name your Observing Self and sub-selves. In the second part, you will describe each self in detail and how they think, behave, feel, and relate.

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Worked Example On Next Slide

On the next slide, see how David names his sub-selves before you name your own.

people

lightbulb Worked Example · Step 1

person Case Study: David

David's Observing Self Activity

Before completing yours, take a look at David's. Notice that his sub-selves aren't different people or versions of himself he needs to become. They represent qualities and parts of himself that are already available to him. The activity helps David recognise which ones he needs to bring forward more regularly, while putting his Negative Self back into a more appropriate role.

self_improvement Observing Self The Core Self

“me, The Boss, Chief and Decision-maker”

The part of David that notices if 'The Has-Been' is running the show and consciously decides which resource to bring forward.

warning A. Negative Self Past Reign

nicknamed ‘The Has-Been’

Convinced him that his best years were behind him and that without his career title he was less valuable.

explore B. Sub-Self Strengths

“My Curious Self”

Explores what interests him now without needing to know where it leads; asks questions and investigates opportunities.

favorite C. Sub-Self Strengths

“My Compassionate Self”

Patient, calmer, and kinder to himself; allows him to find parts of retirement difficult without feeling like a failure.

psychology D. Sub-Self Strengths

“My Independent Self”

Makes his own plans, pursues separate interests, and takes responsibility for his own purpose without expecting his wife to organise him.

hiking E. Sub-Self Strengths

“My Adventurous Self”

Takes manageable risks, goes somewhere unfamiliar, and embraces being a beginner again after decades of being competent.

groups F. Sub-Self Strengths

“My Connected Self”

Actively reaches out to friends rather than waiting, arranges meetups, and builds relationships outside of past work circles.

travel_explore Future Self Who You Are Becoming

“Me, David, Retired”

The person David is becoming as his Observing Self makes better use of all these different parts of him.

arrow_forward

Next up: Name your own sub-selves on Slide 13. You will name your Observing Self, Negative Self, and supportive sub-selves before describing each one in detail.

The Observing Self Activity

Naming Your Sub-selves

Now it's your turn. Enter a name for your Observing Self and each of your sub-selves below. These names will carry forward into the next activity where you describe them in detail.

self_improvement Name your Observing Self Your calm, conscious core that oversees & guides your mindset

warning Negative Self Doubts, fears, or critical voice

sunny Sub-self A (Optimistic Self) Spots possibilities & cheers you on

groups Sub-selves B, C, D, E Compassion, determination, calm

travel_explore Future Self (F) Who you are growing into

Your Future Self represents who you are becoming: the sum total of your Observing Self and your harmoniously organised sub-selves working together. With your Observing Self in charge, bringing forward the right sub-selves at the right times and making the best use of what each has to offer, F can increasingly become the person you want them to be.

add_circle Want to add more sub-selves? Don't worry if you have multiple sub-selves in mind — you will be able to add and describe as many additional sub-selves as you like on a later slide using the ‘+ Add Another’ button.

check_circle All changes saved to database.

visibility Worked Example · Step 2 person Case Study: David

David's Observing Self Activity: Describing His Sub-selves

Click through each of David's sub-selves below to see how he described each one across Think, Behave, Feel, and Relate.

history Notice David uses past tense (“got me to...”) to consign The Has-Been's reign to the past.

label A. Name of Negative Self

“My Negative Self, nicknamed ‘The Has-Been’”

psychology Think

My Negative Self got me to think like this: my best and most productive years were behind me. Without my job title, people were less interested in what I had to say. I should already know what I wanted from retirement, and the fact that I didn't meant I was getting it wrong. There was little point trying something new if I wasn't going to be good at it.

directions_walk Behave

My Negative Self got me to behave like this: I turned down invitations if I thought I might feel out of place, put off trying new activities and spent too much time at home. I relied on my wife to suggest what we should do and then became irritated if her suggestions didn't appeal to me. I also kept checking emails and LinkedIn because they connected me to my old working life.

favorite Feel

My Negative Self got me to feel like this: uncertain, frustrated, bored and increasingly lacking in confidence. I also felt envious of former colleagues who still seemed important and of retired friends who appeared to have everything worked out.

forum Relate

My Negative Self got me to relate like this: I became quieter around friends, defensive if my wife asked what was wrong and less willing to tell people how I was really finding retirement. I compared myself with other retirees instead of being curious about them.

label B. Sub-Self Name

“My Curious Self”

psychology Think

My Curious Self thinks like this: I don't have to know where something will lead before exploring it. Retirement gives me the opportunity to find out what interests me now rather than assuming I should already know.

directions_walk Behave

My Curious Self behaves like this: I try things before deciding whether they are for me. I ask questions, investigate opportunities and say yes to some invitations I would previously have declined.

favorite Feel

My Curious Self feels like this: interested, engaged and open to possibility.

forum Relate

My Curious Self relates like this: I become interested in other people's experiences without automatically comparing mine with theirs. I also talk more openly about what I am discovering.

label C. Sub-Self Name

“My Compassionate Self”

psychology Think

My Compassionate Self thinks like this: I've never retired before, so why should I expect myself to have mastered it in six months? I can find parts of retirement difficult without deciding that I am failing at it.

directions_walk Behave

My Compassionate Self behaves like this: I give myself time. If something doesn't work, I consider what I have learnt rather than criticising myself for trying it.

favorite Feel

My Compassionate Self feels like this: patient, calmer and more accepting of where I am.

forum Relate

My Compassionate Self relates like this: I am kinder to myself and, as a result, less defensive with my wife. I can hear her concerns without interpreting them as criticism.

label D. Sub-Self Name

“My Independent Self”

psychology Think

My Independent Self thinks like this: this is my retirement as well as our retirement. My wife doesn't have to provide my purpose or organise my time for me.

directions_walk Behave

My Independent Self behaves like this: I make my own plans, pursue some interests without my wife and take responsibility for deciding how I want to use my time.

favorite Feel

My Independent Self feels like this: more capable and confident.

forum Relate

My Independent Self relates like this: I bring more to my marriage because I no longer expect my wife to fill the gaps left by work. We have things we enjoy together and things we do separately.

label E. Sub-Self Name

“My Adventurous Self”

psychology Think

My Adventurous Self thinks like this: being inexperienced at something is not a reason to avoid it. I've spent years being competent, so perhaps being a beginner again would do me good.

directions_walk Behave

My Adventurous Self behaves like this: I take manageable risks, go somewhere unfamiliar, try activities I might be bad at and occasionally do something simply because it sounds interesting.

favorite Feel

My Adventurous Self feels like this: excited, slightly nervous and energised.

forum Relate

My Adventurous Self relates like this: I meet people outside my established social and professional circles and allow them to know me without my previous job title attached.

label F. Sub-Self Name

“My Connected Self”

psychology Think

My Connected Self thinks like this: work gave me contact with people almost automatically. If connection is still important to me, I now need to play a part in creating it.

directions_walk Behave

My Connected Self behaves like this: I contact friends rather than waiting for them to contact me, arrange things, accept invitations and make an effort with new relationships.

favorite Feel

My Connected Self feels like this: included, valued and interested in other people.

forum Relate

My Connected Self relates like this: I contribute to relationships rather than waiting to see whether other people include me.

travel_explore Future Self

“My Future Self: Me, David, Retired”

My Future Self represents the person I am becoming as my Observing Self makes better use of all these different parts of me.

psychology Will Think

My Future Self will think like this: my career is an important part of my story, but it doesn't have to determine what happens next. I can use what I learnt from it while continuing to discover who I am without it.

directions_walk Will Behave

My Future Self will behave like this: I will have a retirement containing things I enjoy doing alone, things I share with my wife and other people, and new experiences I cannot currently predict. I will continue trying things and changing course if they don't work.

favorite Will Feel

My Future Self will feel like this: more comfortable with uncertainty, confident in my ability to adapt and increasingly positive about the life I am creating.

forum Will Relate

My Future Self will relate like this: I will participate in relationships as David rather than as the former Managing Director. I will remain connected to people from my past while continuing to develop new relationships.

self_improvement Observing Self

“My Observing Self – me, The Boss, Chief and Decision-maker”

psychology Now Thinks

My Observing Self now thinks like this: I can notice if The Has-Been starts telling me that retirement has made me less valuable. I don't have to accept what it says as fact. I can consider what is actually happening and decide which part of me would be more useful in that situation.

directions_walk Now Behaves

My Observing Self now behaves like this: I pay attention to who is running the show. If I notice myself withdrawing because I feel inexperienced, I might bring forward my Curious or Adventurous Self. If I am criticising myself for not having retirement worked out, I can call upon my Compassionate Self. If I am expecting my wife to organise my life, my Independent Self needs a turn.

favorite Now Feels

My Observing Self now feels like this: more in control without expecting to feel positive all the time. Difficult emotions can still tell me something useful without deciding what I do next.

forum Now Relates

My Observing Self now relates like this: I take greater responsibility for how I respond to other people. I can listen, reflect, and decide how I want to engage rather than letting frustration, defensiveness, or uncertainty make the decision for me.

insights

What David Discovered

David's activity shows something important. He did not need to invent a completely different personality for retirement. Curiosity, compassion, independence, adventure and connection were already parts of him; some had simply had less opportunity to come forward while his Negative Self – The Has-Been – had greater influence.

His task is therefore not to eliminate The Has-Been. Sometimes its caution or questioning is useful. His task is to keep his Observing Self at the centre and decide which sub-self is best suited to what is happening. As that becomes more familiar, his Future Self increasingly reflects the combined contribution of those different parts rather than the influence of any single one. This is the same organising principle behind your activity: the Observing Self remains the ‘Boss, Chief and Decision-maker’ while the sub-selves provide different resources.

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The Observing Self Activity: Describing Your Sub-selves

edit Your Turn

Using your Observing Self and each sub-self named on the previous screen, bring them to life below. Click through each tab to describe how they think, behave, feel, and relate.

Remember the tenses: past tense for the Negative Self (‘got me to’); present tense for your positive sub-selves (‘thinks / behaves’); future tense for Future Self F (‘will think / will behave’); and present tense for your Observing Self (‘I now think / choose’).

history Use past tense (e.g. "got me to...") to consign your Negative Self's reign to the past.

label Name of Negative Self (e.g., The Critic, Inner Critic)

Describe how your Negative Self got you to think, behave, feel, and relate:

psychology Think (past tense)

directions_walk Behave (past tense)

favorite Feel (past tense)

forum Relate (past tense)

today Use present tense (e.g., "thinks / behaves like this...") for your positive sub-self.

label Name of Sub-Self B (e.g., The Optimist, Cheerleader)

Describe how Sub-Self B thinks, behaves, feels, and relates:

psychology Think (present tense)

directions_walk Behave (present tense)

favorite Feel (present tense)

forum Relate (present tense)

today Use present tense for your positive supportive sub-self (e.g. Compassion, Calm, Helper).

label Name of Sub-Self C (e.g., Compassionate Mentor, The Helper, Dedicated Self)

Describe how Sub-Self C thinks, behaves, feels, and relates:

psychology Think (present tense)

directions_walk Behave (present tense)

favorite Feel (present tense)

forum Relate (present tense)

update Use future tense (e.g., "will think / will behave...") to orient towards who you are becoming.

label Name of Future Self F (e.g., The Confident Traveller, Hands-on Grandparent)

Describe how Future Self F will think, behave, feel, and relate:

psychology Think (future tense)

directions_walk Behave (future tense)

favorite Feel (future tense)

forum Relate (future tense)

self_improvement Use present tense (e.g., "I now think / choose...") for your Observing Self.

face Name of Observing Self (e.g., The Wise Witness, My Wise Self, The Anchor, Me)

Describe how your Observing Self thinks, behaves, feels, and relates:

psychology Think (present tense)

directions_walk Behave (present tense)

favorite Feel (present tense)

forum Relate (present tense)

Now that you’ve completed the Observing Self activity, take a few moments to reflect on what it has given you.

The Observing Self Activity: What Did You Discover?

Step back from what you have recorded and consider what it tells you about the relationship between your Observing Self, your sub-selves and your Negative Self. Who appears to have been leading, and has this changed over time?

01 When does your Observing Self appear to be most present and in charge?

02 Which of your sub-selves appear to play the most important roles in your retirement, and are there any you might need to call upon more?

03 When, if at all, does your Negative Self appear to have greater influence or take the central position?

04 What have you discovered about what helps your Observing Self remain in charge or regain the central position when needed?

Awareness is the turning point

The Observing Self

Closing
Reflection

self_improvement Closing Reflection

Keep Your Observing Self at the Centre Of Your Retirement

Like Nicky and Tom, you’ve now seen what can happen when your Observing Self steps forward and takes charge. They both discovered that changing their experience of retirement began with recognising who was in control and what needed to change.

Nicky recognised that her Negative Self had been undermining her confidence and drew upon a cast of sub-selves that helped restore balance. Tom realised his Negative Self had kept him busy but unfulfilled and learnt to draw more upon patience and warmth instead.

Your task now is to keep your Observing Self at the centre. From there, it can observe your thoughts, behaviours, feelings and relationships, and bring forward the sub-selves best suited to what retirement asks of you. Your Negative Self remains available when its qualities are useful, but your Observing Self decides when it gets a say.

Each time you notice who’s running the show and consciously decide who needs to be in charge, you strengthen the role of your Observing Self.

self_improvement

The Observing Self

Personal Reflections

edit_note Personal Reflection

Your Reflections on The Observing Self

Now that you have explored how your Observing Self leads your sub-selves and keeps your Negative Self in balance, take a few quiet moments to step back and capture any personal reflections, discoveries, or intentions that have emerged for you.

lightbulb Prompts to consider:

Which sub-selves do you want to invite forward more often to help you thrive in retirement?
What are the early signals that tell you your Negative Self is trying to take the central position?
What reminder or practice helps your Observing Self step in, stay calm, and take charge?

edit_note Record your reflections and commitments:

cloud_done Automatically saved to your dashboard and notes

edit_note

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The Observing Self

Confirmation

The Observing Self

Session Objectives

The Observing Self and the Brain

Understanding Your Sub-Selves

The Negative Self

When things go wrong

The Impact

Your task

You Are Not Your Negative Self

Physical & Mental

Lifestyle & Social

The greatest trick your Negative Self performs is convincing you that you and they are the same person. You are not.

Nicky

Reclaiming Control

Tom

Freeing Himself

Bringing your sub-selves to life.

The Observing Self Activity

David's Observing Self Activity

Naming Your Sub-selves

David's Observing Self Activity: Describing His Sub-selves

What David Discovered

The Observing Self Activity: Describing Your Sub-selves

The Observing Self Activity: What Did You Discover?

ClosingReflection

Keep Your Observing Self at the Centre Of Your Retirement

Personal Reflections

Your Reflections on The Observing Self

Add New Topic

Closing
Reflection