Triangle of Possibility

Recognising reality intellectually and accepting what it means for your life are not necessarily the same thing. You may struggle with acceptance because:

You haven't recognised the gap yet. If you are unaware that an expectation is influencing you, you may experience the consequences without understanding where they are coming from.

The reality involves loss. Acceptance may mean acknowledging the loss of a role, status, relationship, ability, opportunity, lifestyle or version of the future you had expected.

The reality challenges your identity. Accepting that your working life has ended or changed may raise difficult questions about who you are without the roles that previously helped define you.

Acceptance creates uncertainty. Letting go of an expectation can leave an uncomfortable space before you know what will replace it. The familiar fantasy may therefore feel safer than an uncertain reality.

Other people's expectations are involved. Your ideas about retirement may be connected to what your partner, family, friends or wider culture expect from you, making it harder to identify what you actually want.

The fantasy still feels possible. Sometimes it is difficult to know whether persistence is required or reality is telling you that something needs to change. Acceptance therefore requires judgement, not simply abandoning something because it has become difficult.

You are still following Plan A. Your Plan A is the strategy you developed for achieving what you wanted from retirement: perhaps a particular identity, lifestyle, relationship, sense of purpose or future. You may have invested considerable time, effort, hope and emotion in making it work. The difficulty comes if reality changes, but Plan A doesn't. Continuing to follow it can keep you working toward a fantasy that no longer serves you or is no longer possible. Acceptance may therefore mean recognising that Plan A has done all it can and developing a Plan B that is better matched to the reality you are now dealing with.

Having a Plan A can be extremely useful, of course. It gives you direction and allows you to organise your actions around what you believe will help you create the retirement you want. The difficulty comes if circumstances change, but Plan A does not.

Your Plan A may have involved travelling extensively, only for changes in your health to make this difficult. You may have expected to spend much more time with your partner, only to discover that you both need greater independence. You may have planned to stop working completely, only to realise that you miss contributing professionally. Or you may have built your retirement around moving somewhere new, only to discover after the move that it isn't right for you.

At this point, continuing with Plan A can mean disregarding increasingly important information from reality. Instead of helping you create the retirement you want, Plan A can keep you pursuing a version of retirement that is no longer serving you or is no longer possible. An unhelpful FRG can develop:

The fantasy: Plan A will eventually deliver the retirement I expected.

The reality: My circumstances have changed, and Plan A needs to change with them.

Acceptance makes Plan B possible.

Helpful and unhelpful FRGs come with distinct, identifiable symptoms. These can provide useful evidence of whether the gap between your fantasy and reality is working for you or against you, and whether you are struggling to accept your current retirement reality.

The FRG Symptoms Checker on the following slides, broken down into specific areas, can help you recognise symptoms across different areas of your life and consider what they may be telling you about your FRGs and your level of acceptance.

Mental health and wellbeing. Look for difficult emotions such as stress, anxiety, low mood or depression and anger, together with self-criticism, negative self-talk and thoughts, unwanted intrusive thoughts, self-limiting beliefs, low self-esteem, low self-worth or confidence, negative memories, tiredness, fatigue, exhaustion, poor motivation or poor sleep.

Behaviours. Look for avoidance, procrastination, perfectionism, fear of failure, avoidance of risk-taking, impatience, frustration, obsession, compulsion, addiction, self-sabotage, self-destructive behaviour, denial, secrecy, poor self-care or self-neglect.

Relationships, with yourself and others. Look for criticism, judgement, game-playing, blurred boundaries, lack of confidence, people-pleasing, comparison with others, jealousy, envy, dismissiveness, intolerance, arrogance or self-promotion, withdrawal, avoidance, argumentativeness, irritability, blame or difficulties with responsibility and accountability.

Approaches to change. Look for unrealistic expectations, wanting a quick fix, rejecting support or inflexibility, particularly the belief that Plan A must work.

Mental health and wellbeing. Look for positive emotions such as joy, gratitude, interest and serenity, together with self-appreciation, positive self-talk and thoughts, a clear mind, self-empowering beliefs, good self-esteem, self-worth and confidence, positive memories, high energy levels, quick recovery, resilience, good motivation and good sleep.

Behaviours. Look for engagement, productivity, being satisfied with good enough, being stretched and challenged, educated risk-taking, treating setbacks as opportunities, patience, contentedness, restraint, control, self-possession, self-support, openness, honesty, transparency and good self-care.

Relationships, with yourself and others. Look for relationships characterised by support, respect, relaxation, clear boundaries, assertiveness (‘I’m OK, you’re OK’), acceptance and tolerance, humility, connection, agreeableness, enjoyment, approval, responsibility and accountability.

Approaches to change. Look for realistic expectations, a commitment to doing what it takes, seeking support and flexibility, including being prepared to move from Plan A to Plan B if reality indicates that a different approach is needed.

The presence of these symptoms may indicate that your FRGs are helpful and that you are accepting and working effectively with your current reality.

The presence of an individual symptom does not prove that you have either a helpful or unhelpful FRG. Instead, use the Checker to look for a body of evidence across your mental health and wellbeing, behaviours, relationships and approaches to change.

Consider whether the overall picture points more towards helpful or unhelpful FRGs, and what this might be telling you about the relationship between your expectations and your current reality and, ultimately, whether you are or are not struggling with acceptance.

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