Pattern Builder: Helpful Patterns

In Part One, you learnt what patterns are, explored the different types that can feature in retirement and began identifying your own helpful and unhelpful patterns through the Cliff Edge activity. Now you will build on that understanding by examining your patterns using my Pattern Builder.

Recognising, for example, that you repeatedly worry about retirement or withdraw from your partner (unhelpful patterns), or that you keep yourself meaningfully busy or maintain an active social life (helpful patterns), is useful, but it doesn't always tell you everything you need to know. To understand a pattern properly, you need to get closer to it: when and where it occurs, who is involved, what was happening when it began, what triggers it, the sequence through which it develops, when it does not happen and what you believe about it.

This means the Pattern Builder does not duplicate your Part One work. Part One helped you identify your patterns; Part Two helps you understand how they work. You will therefore use what you discovered during your Cliff Edge activity as the starting point for a more detailed investigation.

We will look at both sides of the picture. Understanding an unhelpful pattern can reveal where it came from and what keeps it going, but understanding your helpful patterns is equally valuable. They can show you what you already do differently, the circumstances that bring out the best in you and the resources you already possess. Together, the two pictures give you much better information about what you need to maintain, strengthen or change as you continue creating the retirement you want.

To show you how the Pattern Builder works, we will use Rich, the Chief Executive Officer of a packaging company who came to see me because he was increasingly fearful about retirement. His fear had developed into a pattern of repeatedly imagining retirement as a disaster. As you work through the questions, compare what Rich discovered with what you are discovering about your own pattern.

1. When, where and with whom did your unhelpful pattern start? Think back to when you first became aware of it. Where were you in your life and who, if anyone, was involved?

Rich: My fears began around my 60th birthday. At my party, I was surrounded by people who were retired or approaching retirement, and I suddenly saw myself as part of that group. Until then, retirement had felt as remote to me as adulthood does to a teenager. Now it felt personal, and that frightened me.

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2. What stressors or changes were occurring around the time it started? Consider what else was happening personally or professionally. A pattern may make considerably more sense once you understand the circumstances in which it developed.

Rich: My 60th birthday was approaching, and I was also having preliminary conversations with my two business partners about our exit strategy and selling the business. Retirement was becoming increasingly difficult to ignore.

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3. How frequently does your unhelpful pattern occur, and how long does it last? Consider whether it appears occasionally or dominates substantial periods of your time. Does it disappear quickly or stay with you?

Rich: I ruminate about retirement extensively. At times, it feels as though I am thinking about it almost constantly.

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4. Who is present or absent when your unhelpful pattern occurs? Think about the people associated with the pattern. Does someone trigger it, reinforce it, reduce it or make it disappear?

Rich: Different people can trigger my retirement fears for different reasons. My business partners trigger them because they are retiring too, my wife because she is looking forward to retirement, and my grandchildren because retirement is still so far away for them.

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5. Where does your unhelpful pattern occur? Consider the environments and situations in which you notice it. Is it connected to particular places, or can it follow you practically anywhere?

Rich: Anywhere. It can happen at work, at home or in the car. It doesn't seem to depend on where I am.

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6. What are the steps involved in generating your unhelpful pattern? Try to slow the pattern down and identify its sequence. What happens immediately before it begins? What triggers it? What happens next? At what point are you fully caught up in it?

Rich: There are periods when I am not running my “nightmare retirement” pattern. Then something or someone triggers me, a thought about retirement lodges itself in my imagination, and I run with it. Before long, I get caught up imagining the retirement I am afraid of.

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7. When does your unhelpful pattern not occur? Exceptions are important. Identify situations in which the pattern is absent, reduced or easier to manage. What is different about those occasions?

Rich: It tends to disappear when I am in meetings, playing golf or socialising with friends or family. When I am engaged with something or other people, I am much less likely to think about retirement.

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8. What do other people know about your unhelpful pattern? Consider who knows what is happening and how much you allow them to see. Are there people with whom you talk openly and others from whom you conceal it?

Rich: My wife and my closest friend know because I share everything with them. My business partners know something about how I feel, but because they are looking forward to retirement, I keep much of what I am experiencing to myself around them.

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9. What do you believe about your unhelpful pattern? Listen to what you tell yourself about having the pattern. Do you believe it can change? Do you judge yourself for having it? Do you see it as evidence of something about who you are?

Rich: I believe everyone else has retirement sorted and I don't. I also have a strong sense that I should be in a much better position than I am.

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Rich's important discovery was that his fear was no longer simply “I am frightened of retirement.” He now had information about when it began, the circumstances surrounding it, its triggers, the people and places connected with it, how it developed and, crucially, the occasions when it was absent. The pattern had become something he could examine rather than simply experience. That is the purpose of this first Pattern Builder.

Now repeat the process for helpful patterns identified during your Cliff Edge activity. If you struggle to identify any, don't skip this part. Look for times when the unhelpful patterns are absent, or when something works even slightly better. A helpful pattern doesn't have to be fully established to be useful. If you still cannot identify one, use the questions to begin imagining what a helpful alternative to one of your unhelpful patterns might look like.

Rich initially had a much clearer picture of what was going wrong than what could go right. As his answers show, examining his helpful patterns revealed that change was already happening and helped him understand what made it possible.

1. When, where and with whom did your helpful pattern start? Look for the point at which something began working differently. What happened, where were you and who was involved?

Rich: A breakthrough came when I opened up to my business partners at a conference in Germany. Being in a different environment made it easier for me to talk, and their supportive response changed something for me. Germany was the point after which I felt I “took control.”

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2. What factors or changes were occurring around the time it started? Consider what had changed in your circumstances, thinking, relationships or behaviour that might have contributed.

Rich: A competitor had made an offer for the business and my partners wanted to accept. Retirement suddenly became real, which forced me to engage with it rather than continue avoiding it.

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3. How frequently does your helpful pattern occur, and how long does it last? Consider whether the pattern appears in particular situations, is becoming more consistent or has begun to replace an older response.

Rich: Germany was a decisive turning point for me. Afterwards, I felt I was in a good place, and my helpful patterns became much more consistent.

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4. Who is present or absent when your helpful pattern occurs? Consider who supports the pattern, encourages it or makes it easier for you to sustain. Also consider whether you can now maintain it when you are alone.

Rich: The people I had already identified remained important, but I also noticed that I had become much happier in my own company. I no longer needed other people around me to feel okay about retirement.

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5. Where does your helpful pattern occur? Is it dependent upon a particular environment, or have you begun carrying it with you into different parts of your life?

Rich: Everywhere. This was very different from earlier on. My helpful patterns were no longer dependent on being in a particular place or situation; I could take them with me into different parts of my life.

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6. What are the steps involved in generating your helpful pattern? Again, slow the process down. What helps you recognise what is happening, what do you do next and how do you get yourself back on track if an unhelpful pattern reappears?

Rich: I developed two ways of checking myself: journalling and giving my wife permission to ask how I was doing. If I notice an unhelpful thought or behaviour, I acknowledge it and use either my journal or a conversation with my wife to get myself back on track. Knowing what my helpful patterns look like makes it easier for me to return to them.

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7. When does your helpful pattern not occur? Look for the exceptions again. If the helpful pattern disappears, what has happened? What might this teach you about what it needs in order to remain strong?

Rich: By this stage, that happens very little. More importantly, I don't regard the occasional wobble as meaning I have returned to my old unhelpful pattern. I have “made my peace with retirement.”

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8. What do other people know about your helpful pattern? Who can see the difference? Who knows what you are trying to do? Could involving other people help you maintain or strengthen it?

Rich: Full disclosure. The people around me know what has been happening and what I have been working on. I don't feel the need to keep it to myself anymore.

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9. What do you believe about your helpful pattern? Consider what you now believe about your ability to establish and sustain helpful patterns. What evidence do you have that they can continue?

Rich: I feel proud of what I have achieved, although pride is something I find difficult because of my upbringing. I don't pretend to know exactly what retirement will bring, but I believe it will go well and that I can sustain the helpful patterns I have developed.

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Now that you have completed both Pattern Builders, you can make a detailed comparison between how your unhelpful patterns operate and how your helpful patterns operate.

Rich discovered that his helpful patterns were associated with openness, engagement, support, monitoring himself and taking his retirement seriously. His unhelpful pattern was associated with triggers, rumination, avoidance and the belief that everyone else was better prepared than him.

What differences can you see between your helpful and unhelpful patterns? What does this tell you about what helps you move away from your Cliff Edge and towards Over There?

Step back from your two Pattern Builders and compare the pictures you have created.

What do you know now that you didn't know before? Has examining your patterns in detail revealed triggers, circumstances, people, places, beliefs or sequences that you had previously overlooked?

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What can you do with what you have discovered? Consider what your helpful patterns tell you about what already works and what your unhelpful patterns tell you about where change is needed.

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Where does your retirement focus need to be? Identify the patterns you want to maintain or strengthen, and those that keep you close to, or push you over, your Cliff Edge and therefore need your attention.

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